Did you try to look deep within you to find out what you’re missing? Yes? Great!
But did you find what it is you’re missing that makes you depressed? No, right? Because the first time you never will. It’s just like trying to win first place at a 25k marathon for the first time; you won’t win first place with a bunch of athletes competing against you, but with training, eventually you will win.
You won’t know what you’re missing the first time you sit in solitude, you won’t know why you’re depressed. But you know how to solidify yourself.
Solidifying is the first step, having answers isn’t.
Not knowing why you feel a certain way is not a bad thing.
You won’t know why you’re depressed for a very long time- but you feel it. Answers aren’t easy to find. But we must train in solitude to find them and understand them.
Why couldn’t you find what you’re missing? Why couldn’t you find an answer to you being depressed?
Because we feel empty. Right now that’s all we feel. Feeling empty will most likely be the first feeling when going into depression. It’s an aching feeling, a feeling of nothingness inside of you. A deep pit in your stomach. Feeling empty feels like you’re drowning in the deepest part of the ocean. The feeling of nowhere out. The frustration you get when you’re feeling empty: sometimes you want to cry so bad cause the feeling is eating you, but sometimes you don’t even have the energy to cry on the outside because on the inside you’re dying. With frustration we create impulses to fill that emptiness; to fill that void.
What do we do when we’re feeling empty? Usually we indulge in everything to fill the void. Some indulge in food, sleep, drugs, overload of retail therapy, or anything that will somehow increase your adrenaline temporarily. However, a lot of us go the latter; some will distance themselves from their loved ones, make very poor decisions, some will hurt themselves, and some…will take their life away.
All because of the feeling of emptiness.
And it’s hard, I understand, completely. I indulge in a lot of poor things when I feel empty. I went to both extremes: I used to eat like there was an endless pit inside of me, I also went crazy on retail therapy which gave me 3 hours of useless temporary happiness, I would sleep my life away for hours that would turn days, I was a stranger to the people that matter to me; completely shut everyone out like my family and close friends, and sometimes I would lash out on them like I was in war. I also hurt myself, repeatedly.
Why? Because I didn’t understand why I was feeling what I felt, I wanted something fast, something to fill it so I don’t feel the horrible aching feeling anymore.
Also, I didn’t know what I was missing, but I knew I was missing something.
It took many years for me to find what it was I was first missing in solitude; why I was feeling empty. The reason being is because I would always indulge my impulses in the latter. I never wanted to understand the emptiness cause my impulses made me forget about it temporarily.
May this be the first time you’re feeling empty, or the 100th time; understand it. Embrace that feeling, embrace the feeling alone – it’s not a negative thing to feel, it’s a type of feeling where it’s telling you what you need in life. Don’t look at the emptiness as something so bad. It’s not. People will tell you that the feeling of emptiness is something you need to fix. Don’t fix yourself. Understand yourself. Your emotions, your gut, is always telling you something and telling you something right.
You’re feeling empty? Listen to what your gut is telling you. Understand it slowly. Day by day. Write down what it is that you’re feeling.What type of aching is it?
Write your feelings in a journal, may that be poetic or just a simple page of your moment. If you’re not very good at writing then try something like painting or draw your feelings; release the feeling through something. I couldn’t release much of an outlet through speech because speaking about my emotions, feelings and this journey was incredibly hard. Use any form of creativity as an outlet; you’re going to see your beautiful story unravel and you’ll see it yourself with your eyes how much you’re growing and where we want to go.
You won’t be able to fight against your impulses the first time you start yourself in solitude, but slowly you will get the hang of it. Slowly you will see your impulses decreasing.
There is no fast way for you to stop your impulses- you can’t stop them on day one. Nor am I going to tell you to fight against them because we all go through emotions and feelings at different paces- some go through them much deeper than others, some are much darker than others. Don’t be hard on yourself when you indulge in your impulses either. Don’t feel guilty. Remember, slowly it will fade away- again, this takes time! It took me 11 years to have my darkest indulgence to fade. You might see an improvement in month five, or even year two- it all depends on how deep you understand yourself. I know you can’t control your impulses when you feel empty, I couldn’t either, but remember one thing: you’re important and you have a meaning.
Feeling empty is a longing feeling, something you’re missing. Our purpose is when we feel it, understand it and achieve it.
Finding what it is takes a lot of time and a lot of patience. When you do feel empty, meditate during that time just to understand the feeling inside.
It’s going to be hard, but you can do it. Don’t be afraid of what you’re missing, what you’re missing is just one piece to our puzzle in finding you.
One of the things that I do when I have that deep pit of emptiness in my stomach, is I find a song that connects to me in a deep understanding way during solitude. You need a push from music, music can heal you in ways you could ever imagine. One song that hits me right in the heart when I’m empty is Smile by Mikky Ekko. Why? Because he’s right, [you] wanna be somewhere away from this place. And somewhere just a little closer to grace