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WHO ARE YOU, REALLY?

One of the biggest struggles I found in myself when going through depression is that we are always stuck at a crossroad. We tend to doubt our path a lot and with doubt we become so indecisive and can’t make realistic and rational decisions for ourselves.

Why are we stuck at a crossroad? Most of the time, it’s because we lose track of our purpose and don’t know who we are.

Knowing who you are and knowing what your purpose is goes hand in hand. But, without knowing who you are, you’ll never find your purpose.

People say that it might take you years to find your purpose. That could be true, but in order for you to find your purpose,  you need to know who you are first.

When I say who you are, I am not asking you, “what do you like, where are you from”

What you like, is what you like…not who you are.

At my old job one of the directors asked me a simple question when I broke down to him. He asked me just one question, and to me it ended up being the most important question you’ll ever have to answer in life.

He asked me, who is Simrat Ghuman?

I sat there and looked at him and repeated the question back at him saying, “who am I?”

He said, “who are you?”

When I was about to answer saying “I’m a girl from Mississauga who paints” he stopped me and said, “who you are is not what you enjoy doing, it’s not what you like”

And I didn’t have an answer.

I looked at him and said, “now what?”

He replied, “you gotta figure it out before you think about moving forward in anything”

And he was right. I never had anyone tell me that the purpose of your life is something that will be standing side by side to who you are.

Everyone will tell me that my purpose in life should be something I enjoy doing, a passion, something I love, something that will make me happy.

But it’s all wrong. The purpose to your life is who you are. The moment you find who you are, your purpose, your life, everything else will come into play and place themselves perfectly and accordingly afterwards.

Took me months after our conversation to figure out who I am, and later I found my purpose.

How did I find the answer? I meditated. I spent 30 minutes every morning ever since my conversation and day by day came closer to a better understanding of myself as a person.

I understood myself. I understood why I was going into depression 13 years ago. Because I didn’t know my purpose, I didn’t know who I was. That was my second struggle. My second fall in depression.

I am a healer. My purpose is to inspire those that are going through what I have gone through. My purpose is to guide those that are still in the dark because darkness is all I have ever known myself. And this will always be my purpose till the very end because that’s who I am.

Who are you?

It’s a struggle. We may think we have everything figured out in our life. We think what we are doing now is what I’m supposed to do in life. We think we are meant to work our 9 to 5 and be done with it. We are meant to be stuck in an office yet you dread it and you’re wanting to be outdoors, or wanting to be around people. You feel you want more. You feel you need more. You feel there is more out there for you. You feel you’re better than what you’re doing now. You’re right, you do need more, because what you’re doing now is probably not who you are. What you’re doing now is not your purpose. You’re never going to be happy this way.

But with all that, with all you do with your life day by day, why does that trigger depression? Because, who are you, really?

Try meditating with candles. I have always encouraged the energy of candles. They help you a lot with meditation when doing so. When you’re sitting in your room before meditation, light a royal blue or a light blue candle and focus on the candle as you breathe. Slowly you will go into a calm state of meditation. Once you are in meditation you’re going to find answers to your life than ever before. You will find who you are, and you will know your purpose.

The energy of candles are strong, when you find the right royal blue or light blue candle when going into meditation for finding who you are and the meaning to your life, you’ll see. Again, this also takes time. You probably won’t go into a meditation state the first time. You must breathe slowly and put your energy onto the candle. Your mind will never shut off, nor should you force it to. Just focus on the candle. Do this every day, slowly but surely, you’re going to get there.

Doesn’t matter when you meditate, the hour of doing is not important, the doing is.

When done, don’t blow out your candles, snuff them out instead.

Remember, there is a big difference to the meaning of life and the purpose of yours!

Next time you are stuck at a crossroad, park at the sideline for a moment and ask yourself, who am I, and once you’ve figured that out, the crossroads just become smaller and smaller.

As my inspirational white board in my room says: Find yourself, and be just that. 

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Ghuman

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FEELING EMPTY?

Did you try to look deep within you to find out what you’re missing? Yes? Great!

But did you find what it is you’re missing that makes you depressed? No, right? Because the first time you never will. It’s just like trying to win first place at a 25k marathon for the first time; you won’t win first place with a bunch of athletes competing against you, but with training, eventually you will win.

You won’t know what you’re missing the first time you sit in solitude, you won’t know why you’re depressed. But you know how to solidify yourself.

Solidifying is the first step, having answers isn’t.

Not knowing why you feel a certain way is not a bad thing.

You won’t know why you’re depressed for a very long time- but you feel it. Answers aren’t easy to find. But we must train in solitude to find them and understand them.

Why couldn’t you find what you’re missing? Why couldn’t you find an answer to you being depressed?

Because we feel empty. Right now that’s all we feel. Feeling empty will most likely be the first feeling when going into depression. It’s an aching feeling, a feeling of nothingness inside of you. A deep pit in your stomach. Feeling empty feels like you’re drowning in the deepest part of the ocean. The feeling of nowhere out. The frustration you get when you’re feeling empty: sometimes you want to cry so bad cause the feeling is eating you, but sometimes you don’t even have the energy to cry on the outside because on the inside you’re dying. With frustration we create impulses to fill that emptiness; to fill that void.

What do we do when we’re feeling empty? Usually we indulge in everything to fill the void. Some indulge in food, sleep, drugs, overload of retail therapy, or anything that will somehow increase your adrenaline temporarily. However, a lot of us go the latter; some will distance themselves from their loved ones, make very poor decisions, some will hurt themselves, and some…will take their life away.

All because of the feeling of emptiness.

And it’s hard, I understand, completely. I indulge in a lot of poor things when I feel empty. I went to both extremes: I used to eat like there was an endless pit inside of me, I also went crazy on retail therapy which gave me 3 hours of useless temporary happiness, I would sleep my life away for hours that would turn days, I was a stranger to the people that matter to me; completely shut everyone out like my family and close friends, and sometimes I would lash out on them like I was in war. I also hurt myself, repeatedly.

Why? Because I didn’t understand why I was feeling what I felt, I wanted something fast, something to fill it so I don’t feel the horrible aching feeling anymore.

Also, I didn’t know what I was missing, but I knew I was missing something.

It took many years for me to find what it was I was first missing in solitude; why I was feeling empty. The reason being is because I would always indulge my impulses in the latter. I never wanted to understand the emptiness cause my impulses made me forget about it temporarily.

May this be the first time you’re feeling empty, or the 100th time; understand it. Embrace that feeling, embrace the feeling alone – it’s not a negative thing to feel, it’s a type of feeling where it’s telling you what you need in life. Don’t look at the emptiness as something so bad. It’s not. People will tell you that the feeling of emptiness is something you need to fix. Don’t fix yourself. Understand yourself. Your emotions, your gut, is always telling you something and telling you something right.

You’re feeling empty? Listen to what your gut is telling you. Understand it slowly. Day by day. Write down what it is that you’re feeling.What type of aching is it?

Write your feelings in a journal, may that be poetic or just a simple page of your moment. If you’re not very good at writing then try something like painting or draw your feelings; release the feeling through something. I couldn’t release much of an outlet through speech because speaking about my emotions, feelings and this journey was incredibly hard. Use any form of creativity as an outlet; you’re going to see your beautiful story unravel and you’ll see it yourself with your eyes how much you’re growing and where we want to go.

You won’t be able to fight against your impulses the first time you start yourself in solitude, but slowly you will get the hang of it. Slowly you will see your impulses decreasing.

There is no fast way for you to stop your impulses- you can’t stop them on day one. Nor am I going to tell you to fight against them because we all go through emotions and feelings at different paces- some go through them much deeper than others, some are much darker than others. Don’t be hard on yourself when you indulge in your impulses either. Don’t feel guilty. Remember, slowly it will fade away- again, this takes time! It took me 11 years to have my darkest indulgence to fade. You might see an improvement in month five, or even year two- it all depends on how deep you understand yourself. I know you can’t control your impulses when you feel empty, I couldn’t either, but remember one thing: you’re important and you have a meaning.

Feeling empty is a longing feeling, something you’re missing. Our purpose is when we feel it, understand it and achieve it.

Finding what it is takes a lot of time and a lot of patience. When you do feel empty, meditate during that time just to understand the feeling inside.

It’s going to be hard, but you can do it. Don’t be afraid of what you’re missing, what you’re missing is just one piece to our puzzle in finding you.

One of the things that I do when I have that deep pit of emptiness in my stomach, is I find a song that connects to me in a deep understanding way during solitude. You need a push from music, music can heal you in ways you could ever imagine. One song that hits me right in the heart when I’m empty is Smile by Mikky Ekko. Why? Because he’s right, [you] wanna be somewhere away from this place. And somewhere just a little closer to grace

 

Ghuman